X's Weyr

You step into the weyr and look around. A girl about fourteen Turns old comes over to you and you gasp cause she's the most beautiful girl you've ever seen and your dumbstruck by her. she has very long curly blond hair and royal blue eyes and is tall and slender.
"Hi, my name is X and I'm here waiting for my dragon from here. I'm going to Impress a spectrum because my weyr is really pretty, see." you look around and have to agree it has lots of sand for the dragon to sleep in and is facing a mountain range you've never seen no mountains but you think that's what they are."well come back later and meet my dragon." you say "thanks" and leave.


Aarrgh! What's wrong with this page?! Lots of things. First of all, there is no sense of grammar or punctuation throughout the whole text. There are too many 'ands' and this person seems to be avoiding commas like the plague! Phrases like "you've never seen no mountains" are absolutely fine if it's a character speaking but not in descriptions.
Secondly, this person not only assumes that they're automatically going to Impress (I deliberately open more spaces than there are eggs so there are always too many candidates) but they assume they're automatically going to Impress the best and rarest type of dragon.
Thirdly, if the candidate is human, lilac eyes are an impossibility without contact lenses! All these 'modern' touches in a candidate are fine-but this candidate has by using the term 'Hold' gone out of their way to make this weyr a Pernese weyr and contact lenses just don't exist there (although I haven't yet read all of the 'Dragonriders of Pern' series so if anyone can correct me on this, just email me and tell me)
Fourth, there is very little description beyond sand and mountains. I'm not asking for essays and novels about your page-but I would like a little more than that!
Fifth, the size of the writing makes it very hard to read this page and see if this person is good enough to Impress a dragon.
Finally, this person has put a link to my site (well, kinda-seeing I wrote this, it doesn't actually work) but I like people to see where they're going when they click on the link.

Okay, so now you know what I'm not looking for in an individual cave/persona, you can click here to see what I would be looking for, click here to apply or click here to go back home.