Mystery Shire Theatre 3000 #8
--WARNING: This spam is truly depraved! (BTW, don't worry-I'm not about to make spams like this a regular feature LOL! This is a one-off. I just couldn't resist this 'punishment' for Jerome and Co.)
Characters:
Frodo
Sam
Merry
Pippin
Legolas
Gimli
Boromir
Aragorn
Arwen
Jerome
Gríma (spamming them)
Spoiler Warning: A little side trip into an alternate universe. The Fellowship (minus Gandalf whose magic protected him) have been transported to a satellite by a spell. In this version, some things aren't exactly what you'd call consistent with the book but hey, if you can't rewrite history in an alternate universe, where can you? :-P I've done my best to keep this a safe rating-in places the language may not be 100% Tolkienish; but I'm trying to be as close as possible. It helps if you've read all three books, but for those of you who haven't, I've tried not to give too much away :-) There are a few very slight spoilers for books two and three, but none that really give the major points of the plot away
Disclaimer: I do not own the idea of Mystery Science Theatre 3000-that belongs to Joel. I also don't own any of the characters from Lord of the Rings, or The Hobbit. If I did, you can bet I'd be sunning myself on my own private island in the Bahamas right now and not writing this disclaimer :-) I have nothing but the utmost respect for Tolkien and his work and if you're one of those people who strongly objects to his characters being used in parodies, comedies and (hopefully) badfic, or basically anything other than serious fantasy fiction, you'll be happier reading something else. You have been warned!
(Sam and Frodo's room. Frodo is sitting on the bed, eating a bowl of soup-or rather, being spoonfed soup by Sam, swallowing mechanically)
Sam: Mr Frodo, you've got to stop thinking about this.
Frodo: (dazed) He's in love with my cousin.
(Sam sighs, giving the impression that the two hobbits have been having this conversation for quite some time. There is a knock on the door and Merry and Pippin enter)
Merry: How're you doing, Frodo?
Frodo: He's in love with my cousin.
Sam: That's all I've been able to get out of him since he found out about them. He barely eats unless I sit here and feed him.
Pippin: We have to do something. We can't just let him go on like this. Frodo?
Frodo: Gríma Wormtongue is in love with my cousin.
Merry: Hey, he's getting better. At least we're getting names now.
(Sam shoots him a murderous look)
Pippin: Anyway, we came to get you two. I'm guessing the spam that Gríma and Lobelia are cooking up is going to be pretty bad. We need to present a united front.
Merry: (he sings) For united we stand, divided we fall...(Becomes aware of the looks directed at him) What? It was on an advert I saw last night.
Sam: Mr Frodo's not in any mood to read any spam.
Merry: Neither are we, but that's not going to stop Gríma, is it? Come on!
(He grabs Sam while Pippin pulls Frodo to his feet and the four of them race through into the main room. Gríma appears just as they arrive)
Gríma: (he's grinning evilly) Hello prisoners!
Jerome: If you're going to hold us captive, can you at least call us by our names?
Gríma: Nope. Saying 'hello prisoners' gives me a pleasant buzz that only comes from being deeply, despicably evil.
Aragorn: We'll take your word for that.
Gríma: Plus the fact it's quicker than saying 'hello Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Jerome, Aragorn, Arwen, Boromir, Gimli and Legolas'.
Jerome: Fair point, I suppose.
Gríma: Anyway, Lobelia found this truly vile spam and asked me to pass it on. So here you go. (He vanishes)
Gimli: I get the feeling that we're in for an even more horrific torture than usual.
Legolas: Gríma Wormtongue-
Frodo: -Is in love with my cousin!
Legolas: Oh, give it a rest, would you!? Gríma Wormtongue, an evil, ruthless man from Rohan meets Lobelia Sackville-Baggins? Oh yes. We're in for it alright.
--/ ^ ^ \
{ (O O) }
oOOOo---------------oOOOo----------------
Pippin: Do I even want to know what that is??
Jerome: It's a kind of...wait a minute, let me see if I can't fix it...
--
--/ ^ ^ \
{ (O O) }
oOOOo---------------oOOOo----------------
Jerome: That's got it. I think.
--Forgive me for sticking my nose into your business,
Boromir: Too late; you already did.
--but my job is to
Sam: Upset Mr Frodo.
Jerome: Make us suffer.
Pippin: Pretend I'm on your side then pursue you through baking hot deserts cause you were supposed to die on Mars. (Becomes aware of the looks) What? It could happen!
--deliver this message, which might be
Gimli: Useless.
Arwen: Potentially depraved.
Legolas: Spam.
Boromir: A useless, potentially depraved spam.
Legolas: You always have to have the last word, don't you?
--of vital interest to you.
Sam: It might.
Pippin: Then again, it might not.
--As you can see I'm barely
Aragorn: Sane.
--hanging on to this job,
Jerome: Hmm, oh, I wonder why that could be, spammer?
Pippin: Maybe he's part of some big government conspiracy to chase people through deserts!
Boromir: What's with the desert thing?
Pippin: I was just saying, maybe he hunts people who were supposed to have died in outer space and have instead fled to the desert 'cause they were never there in the first place.
Jerome: (he glares at the others) Okay, own up. Who left Capricorn One lying around last night?
(There's an embarrassed silence, then Legolas and Gimli simultaneously point at each other)
Merry: 'S a good film, that.
Aragorn: Can we please just get on with the spam?
--so please at least read the message.
Jerome: Hello? In case it escaped your notice, spammer, we don't have much of a choice!
--This is the *ONLY* Letter you will receive from us.
Boromir: (snorts) Yes, well, I've heard that one before.
Arwen: It's a lie.
Boromir: Heard that one too.
--Thank You and Have A Nice Day
Sam: Why should the spammer care if we have a nice day?
Jerome: They don't, but they want to be in with at least half a chance of getting you to buy their crappy products. And face it, you're not going to respond particularly favourably to a spam that says, 'Thanks for reading, now bugger off', are you?
Sam: Good point.
--THAT'S RIGHT,
Boromir: What is?
Jerome: I've a feeling we don't want to know...
--ITS TRUE,
Aragorn: I doubt that.
Merry: Me too.
Pippin: Me three.
--GET PAID TO HAVE SEX WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN!!!
All: WHAT!?!?
Jerome: I have to say, I never expected that!
Pippin: It's in capitals!
Jerome: Let me just get this straight...this is the most immoral spam we have ever received. It's unethical, it's disgusting, it's...it's...
Pippin: It's in capitals!
Boromir: I have to say, I agree with Jerome.
Jerome: (in shock) You what??
Boromir: I said I agree with you.
Jerome: Could I get that in writing?
Sam: Are you feeling alright, Mr Boromir?
Boromir: It's just that there are several things wrong with this whole idea and concept. It promotes sex for money, it promotes reducing the human body to a thing on the market and the only thing that offends you about this is the fact that it's in capitals?
Pippin: I can't help it! It bugs me!
Arwen: Let's just get it done. Arguing isn't going to get the spam finished.
--There are over 100 companies in most major cities of the U.S. that have these programs.
Jerome: Well, I've never heard it called that before!
Pippin: They pay you to go and have sex with beautiful women?
Aragorn: So it would appear.
Pippin: Hubba hubba!
Jerome: Moving on...quickly!
--availible to you. These programs are SAFE
Jerome: So long as you take along adequate protection. (blinks) Did I just say that out loud??
--and LEGAL.
All: In which country??
--These companies will pay you for short term or long term commitment to have sex.
Boromir: How long is 'long term'? (Everyone looks at him askance) I'm just asking! I'm not interested! I'm curious!
Pippin: I wouldn't mind knowing that as well...
(The others give him odd and slightly worried looks, then go back to the spam)
--YOU get to choose from their wide selection of mates.
Jerome: Does anyone else get the feeling of being bred like cattle here?
(They all nod)
--These are professionals
Aragorn: I really don't want to know how you get to be a professional in that field!
Boromir: Constant practice, I would assume.
--who
Jerome: Sorry-just before we go on with this...Merry, I think you might need to get a jug of ice water to throw over Pippin.
(Merry grins wickedly and darts off into the kitchen, returning a few seconds later with a huge jug full of water, which he tosses at Pippin, or rather, in Pippin's general direction)
Jerome: (hollowly) You missed.
Merry: Oops. Sorry. Do you want a towel?
Jerome: No, it's alright. I'll live.
Merry: I can go get another one if you want...?
Jerome: No thanks. Maybe we can toss Pippin into a cold shower later.
--who extend such opportunities to people such as you and I.
Boromir: What do you mean, 'we and you'?? We're not part of your sick little game!
--They supply you with a work area
Boromir: (to Jerome) Your world is truly sick and depraved.
Jerome: It's not! It's got plenty of good stuff.
Arwen: Like?
Jerome: Like...ah...music! And songs.
Merry: True enough. (Starts singing) Just one seed he has to sow, where's the child, will it grow? Can he never find the place where he's meant to--
Jerome: Moving on!
--and total privacy. Their business enviorment is very calm and relaxing.
Sam: So's death, I'm told. And of the two, I think I'd prefer the latter!
--Everything is CONFIDENTIAL. All you have to do is be ready and willing.
Legolas: Ready and willing to be paid for bedding women?
Boromir: I notice it doesn't say anything about being able...
--Thats all there is !!!
Jerome: Oh, thank god for that!
Aragorn: I don't think it was talking about the spam.
Jerome: When will it end??
--ORDER YOUR FULL LISTING NOW!!! This listing consists of : All companies in America. The exact requirememts for each company. The exact pay rate for each company per participating employee.
Gimli: Plus a complete loss of honour and reputation.
Pippin: And the possibility of contracting various-
Frodo: Don't even go there!
Sam: Mr Frodo! You're back!
Frodo: Huh? Have I been away?
Merry: You've been in a state of abject terror ever since you found out Gríma was with Lobelia.
Frodo: Gríma's in love with my cousin??
Sam: Nice going!
Frodo: Oh well, I guess they deserve each other. Did I miss anything?
Jerome: Only the sickest spam ever written.
Aragorn: No, there's a little more to come. Frodo can still read some.
Frodo: Oh joy...
--Also, the first 100 people to order will recieve free listing of other types of paid programs you can earn money participating in. TO FIND THE COMPANY NEAR YOU ORDER NOW!
Boromir: Why? I don't think they have any companies in outer space.
--It's Fun, Easy, And the pay is great. THIS LISTING COSTS ONYL $19.95 WHICH INCLUDES TAX PLUS SHIPPING & HANDLING.
Frodo: Remind me; what are we paying for?
(There is an awkward silence)
Legolas: You're happier not knowing.
Frodo: Ah. Right.
--SEND CHECK OR MONEY ORDER TO:
Tory Kenan
945 Chestnut St., Suite 196
Orangeburg, SC 29115
Aragorn: Wait, wait, I thought they were supposed to be paying us.
Jerome: How many times? Spammers lie, cheat and trick. What more did you expect?
--Make Checks or Money orders Payable to : Tory Kenan
Jerome: A.k.a. the biggest sicko this side of the galaxy.
Pippin: What's a galaxy?
Sam: Erm...it's a kind of sweet, isn't it?
Jerome: Encyclopedia there. Look up galaxy. I don't think I could explain it to you.
Sam: (shrugs) As you wish.
Arwen: Is it over?
Jerome: Looks that way.
All: (huge sigh of relief)
(Gríma appears on the screen)
Gríma: Well? What do you think?
Jerome: It was sick, twisted and utterly puerile.
Gríma: I'll tell Lobelia that. She'll be so pleased.
Jerome: Just...promise the next one won't be like that.
Gríma: I'm not guaranteeing anything. (They all exchange panicked looks) Okay, okay, it won't be this bad, if only because I don't think I can find another spam that's this bad. But it will still be extremely unpleasant!
(He vanishes)
Sam: (to Frodo) I can't believe you're well!
Merry: The spam worked. Kill or cure, I guess.
Legolas: And I think Pippin's faking of interest and belief helped.
Pippin: Huh? Oh. Yes. Absolutely (he glances around) Excuse me...I feel the sudden need to go and have a cold shower. (He beats a hasty retreat)
Frodo: What was all that about?
Jerome: As Legolas said, you're much happier not knowing.
Sam: He's right, Mr Frodo. Just relax until tomorrow.
Frodo: (sighs) Alright, you win. I do feel kind of tired. (He and Sam leave)
Jerome: I can't believe we just read that!
Legolas: Believe it, Jerome. Believe it.
Gimli: Still, at least we know the next one won't be this bad.
Jerome: Do we? You mean you actually trust Gríma to keep a promise?
(They look at each other in abject terror)
Arwen: We'll...have to wait and see.