Have any of you ever sat at home after watching JCS and wondered what it would be like if the cast ended up playing a version of “Survivor”? No? Well, that’s okay—I have LOL! (Note: I do not mean to offend anyone with what’s in this posting. This is all in the spirit of fun! Also, I’ve never actually seen Survivor, so this isn't the exact version. Please bear with me!)
Voiceover by Gale Edwards: Today, seventeen cast members and one prop maker (don’t ask me how he got in on this—nobody has a clue) are travelling out to a remote island. They will have to make their own shelters, catch their own food and every three days vote someone off. They will be competing for either immunity or amenities and the one left at the end of all this will win a lifetime of getting to pick any part they choose in any production they like. This is achieved thanks to a huge plot hole that nobody really knows how to fill in. The people are: Jerome Pradon, Glenn Carter, Fred Johanson, Renee Castle, Fredrick B. Owens, Rik Mayall, Tony Vincent, Michael Shaeffer, Matthew Cross, Cavin Cornwall, Paul Vickers, Kevin Curtain, Peter Gallagher, Mykal Rand, Rebecca Parker, Philip Cross, Claire Coates and Rob Alsop (prop maker)
DAY 1: The eighteen contestants set up camp on the beach and Rob immediately proves himself way too competent by building a five story shelter out of twigs and leaves whilst the others’ shelters are small, flimsy and usually collapse at the first gust of wind. Several hours fishing provides absolutely nothing, until Renee takes off one of her earrings and uses it as bait, when the fishers are absolutely inundated. Glenn finally gets fed up with people asking him to reenact the Feeding of the Five Thousand and stalks off. The rest of them draw lots for who’s going to cook it, and Tony wins (or loses) Twenty minutes later, the fish are ready to eat. Unfortunately, Tony insists on saying grace before serving and at the end crosses himself with the hand holding the frying pan, spilling all the fish out into the sea. There is a lot of ill feeling towards him and nobody else will speak to him for the rest of the night.
DAY 3: This brings the first immunity challenge: rubbing your stomach and patting your head at the same time. Rik, a natural at comedy acts and making a prat out of himself, wins this one hands down, and the tribe votes off Paul. Asked to explain the reasoning, Mykal tries to defend his fellow contestants by saying, “C’mon man, the guy didn’t even have a solo!” Neither did you, Mykal...
DAY 6: The team draws lots for who’s going to pick the amenity and Matthew wins. He asks for a French dictionary so he can look up the exact meaning of the words Jerome used when his dinner went SPLASH! Given that Cavin has built the worse shelter so far and has been sharing with everyone else, the team give him the boot and give themselves a little more breathing space.
DAY 9: The next immunity challenge: who can hit the highest note? Thanks to the song “Gethsemane”, Glenn wins this hands down and the group vote Rebecca off. Rik celebrates this by telling jokes to anyone who’ll stand still long enough to listen. Many don’t. Looks like your days are numbered, Rik…
DAY 12: Tony wins the draw for choosing today’s amenity and gets some hair gel as his hair has been getting a little flat lately. Michael remarks rather acidly that he hadn’t noticed the difference as following a climbing accident he had almost been impaled on Tony’s spikes. Whilst the two of them argue, the rest of the team vote Rik off, finally tired of his endless japes.
DAY 15: Fredrick wins this challenge; hitting the lowest note. One or two people are starting to comment on Gale’s lack of imagination. Oh…and Kevin’s voted off for no better reason other than he was there.
DAY 21: Glenn gets to choose the amenity and so brings in twelve bottles of shampoo. Hey, all that hair needs constant work, right? Pity he forgot about the hairdryer. Never mind, Glenn…you might get another chance. The group, thoroughly fed up with tripping over Matthew’s glasses the whole time finally vote him off, but keep his French dictionary.
DAY 24: This challenge is for who can write the best short song. The competition is stiff, but Tony wins it with ‘Roses are red/This island bites/I’m stuck here with a group of fellow performers but if I can hang on and not get voted off/I’ll win my dream role for lots of nights’. One or two people complain about this, saying Jerome’s was better, but Gale overrides them saying that the entries had to be in English. Philip says that in his unbiased opinion every song stank except his. Guess who’s in for the boot this time?
DAY 27: Michael, Jerome, Glenn, Tony and Renee have formed the alliance of Bold Energetic and Enterprising Performers (B.E.E.P.) and have agreed to help each other with challenges until the very end. Michael wins the amenity challenge and gets an electric razor; he’s actually started to like having a shaved head. The other members of the team are getting a little worried about him but forget about it during the first act of B.E.E.P., which is to unite in helping to vote Fredrick off…he’s showing alarming signs of starting up a rival group.
DAY 30: The most unusual voice is this day’s immunity challenge. Michael wins this—no contest and the team get rid of Peter.
DAY 33: Jerome finally wins the amenity draw and asks for a solar powered PC with a modem so he can contact everyone on his message board. Meanwhile, Rob has finally realised the existence of B.E.E.P. “Hey, this looks like fun,” he says. “Can I play?” Amused, the five founders tell him that in order to join he has to recite the sacred oath three times fast without messing up “I’m a mother pheasant plucker. I pluck mother pheasants. I’m the most pleasant mother pheasant plucker that ever plucked a mother pheasant.” Six hours later the members of B.E.E.P. have laughed themselves into comas and Rob’s in. “I’m a REAL man now,” he boasts as he helps vote Fred off the island. A look in Renee’s eyes at this comment means that Rob might well be the next one to go…
DAY 34: Jerome wins the immunity of singing the hardest song by the simple means of translating Heaven On Their Minds into French. As nobody can really compete with him, the others scratch from this challenge. Renee is clearly annoyed at Rob’s comment and so, after his short stint in B.E.E.P., Rob is booted out the group and off the island.
DAY 37: Tony wins the amenity challenge for a second time and people are starting to mutter that it’s rigged. For his amenity, he asks for a guitar and sits around writing songs all day long. After seven interruptions he’s heard to remark that the only thing dumber than a cow is a European. As he’s the only American left, one has to question his intelligence at this declaration. Sure enough, B.E.E.P. and the group retaliate by voting off…Michael???
DAY 40: Tony wins the immunity for having the coolest hair and the rest of the group confronts the B.E.E.P.ers and demands what’s going on. B.E.E.P. say they’re not accepting new members at the moment but when Mykal pulls out a bag of various takeouts that he smuggled onto the island, they relent and let him in, voting Claire off the island.
DAY 43: Renee gets to choose the amenity and, being fed up with the same food day after day, asks for a bunch of bananas to eat. She then takes them off and eats every single one in her shelter. Meanwhile the group votes Tony off. Renee tries to explain by saying “All that guitar playing was driving us mad! And besides, Claire was one of the most popular people in the group—not to mention the richest. And she always smelled of strawberries. I like strawberries. Do you like strawberries?”
Glenn overhears Renee’s last comment and says, “God, that girl’s gotten queer.” Mykal overhears Glenn’s comment and assumes both the woman and the Scouser are gay, which leads to some friction between them. Jerome gives up trying to sort it all out and goes for a swim instead.
DAY 47: The immunity challenge for who can tell the biggest lie is won hands down by Mykal with the whopper “No, Gale, there is no such thing as B.E.E.P.” Mykal, Glenn and Jerome then vote Renee off for not sharing her bananas with them.
DAY 50: Mykal wins the amenity and asks for a bed. Jerome and Glenn are both so annoyed that a) they didn’t think of it first and b) anyone could be so soft and lazy that they both vote Mykal off the island.
DAY 53: The last day. Jerome and Glenn are on the beach for the final immunity challenge. Whoever wins this will win the big prize. Gale says that the challenge is for whoever can play the best role. Glenn immediately does a stellar performance as Jesus and it looks like the prize is in the bag for him…particularly since Jerome isn’t doing anything. When Gale asks if he’s going to enter, Jerome replies that he has been playing a guy stuck on a desert island, complete with props. Gale is so impressed with Jerome’s brilliant simplicity that she immediately gives the prize to him and Glenn goes home empty handed.